You have beaten the French direction signs, you have survived the priorite a droite and you have arrived at your holiday home in rural France, whether it be a rented gite or the house of family or friends. While you may actually be looking forward to two weeks of doing as near to nothing as possible, your street cred ranking on return will make it advisable to plan some little outings which which to combat the tales of those returning from their Tuscan idyll or their encounter with mice in Orlando. Forget the major attractions… everyone can visit them, if only virtually, and everyone has heard of them. Touring France…the local way…will bring you fresh fodder for the BBQ circuit, and you will actually enjoy it! You need only use your eyes to find a world of tourism undiscovered by the travel columns of the national press. Avoiding national holidays (such as Bastille Day – July 14th) as France can close down!

As you drive to the supermarket, you will see notices along the roadside advertising truly local events.

The mussels and chips fair.

The giant cassoulet fair.

The ham and wine fair.

The snail fair.

The tripe fair.

The black pudding fair.

The melon fair.

If none of these tempt you, don’t worry…there is always an alternative menu available in the huge tents dedicated to eating and drinking in good company at a reasonable price while you contemplate the attractions which await you.

There is usually a ‘vide grenier’, the French version of a car boot sale, but, being France, it is rather tidier….people always say they are not what they were, but they are still a great place to find new games for the children to play while on holiday, to wonder what on earth the thing you have unearthed from a pile of ancient tools could ever have been used for, or to pick up a stylish earthenware cooking pot which is disdained by the modern French housewife who is still lured by the lust of the new. You might even perform a public service by buying the lurid glass vase which has graced the village vide grenier for the last ten years as purchaser after purchaser finds that  they cannot live with its’ malevolent presence on the sideboard and so puts it up for sale…

There are often dodgems….forget your dignity and whirl round with the local talent…

There may be a ‘rodeo’ display…dare-devil driving of stock cars or motorbikes…

Local producers will be selling everything from honey to goat cheese via wine and speciality breads…

There will be music…increasingly a local band of indeterminate style, but sometimes a hunting horn group whose music will raise the hairs on the back of your neck…

You may have folk dancing…mostly men trying not to split their  trousers while jumping over sticks held for them by women with a tendency to raise the bar without warning when spotting a friend in the audience, an event greeted with cheers by all. Morris dancing it is not…

None of this is designed for tourists…it is how local people set out to enjoy themselves, organised by dedicated bands of men and women who spend hours setting things up and clearing things down and you’ll get a picture of the real France…the one hiding behind the brochures. Just keep a weather eye open for the obvious Brits in straw hat and garden party dress who are gracing the event with their presence…but you won’t find them on the dodgems…or jumping over sticks!

If you are visiting out of season, you will find farm visits advertised…in an attempt to keep a link between the countryside and the consumer. These are super if you have a bit of French – one up from ‘Bonjewer Monsewer’ should see you through – as you can visit typical farms in your area and learn about breeds of cattle, sheep, goats – ostriches even – and what is produced from them…the latter usually sampled over a glass or six of wine at the end of the tour. These are always chatty, family friendly affairs and again, miles away from the self conscious stuff produced for tourists.

The more daring might take heed of the posters inside the supermarket advertising the local discotheque and its’ offerings. These are not the local hop, but usually large establishments situated miles from anywhere out in the sticks to avoid

a) complaints

and

b) the gendarmerie.

They generally manage a) but as for b) the gendarmerie have found that their statistics look impressive if they lurk just down the road at chucking-out time, breathalysing all comers, so if you do go, just be careful or have a designated driver. The nature of the attractions varies…but a wet tee shirt event is at the low end of the excitement scale from the posters I have seen.

Village open days used to be all the rage, but the sheer work involved in organisation has made them rare so if you see one, don’t miss it. You’ll get guided tours of the church – which can have some surprising monuments and features – private houses never normally open to the public and whatever the village has by way of industry, from a wood fired brickworks via mushroom cultivation to a factory turning out prefabricated concrete rabbit hutches. There will be a congenial lunch or asupper organised by the local ladies and you will, once again, get a glimpse of what makes rural France tick.

There’s one rural event which you will see advertised everywhere, but at which you will not have the equipment to participate….the clay pigeon shoot….though just imagine the effect around the BBQ on your return when you announce that you managed to avoid….

the ‘Ball Trap’.

Stumble it!